old crap, get out

I got rid of lots of stuff this weekend. I just wanted you to know. The end.

Ok, but for real, after good chats with HeteroLifeMate (HLM) and Major, I decided I needed a bit more gratitude and less clutter. (Mourtney HATED my junk mail clutter and rightfully so.)

So on Friday I gathered up all the clothes that were in good condition and I haven’t worn in a good amount of time (mostly because they don’t fit) and took them to a consignment shop. The only stuff they didn’t take was because it was “for the fall, darling.” Then I mailed Christmas presents to my dear friends because I am the worst at mailing things. Then I went to Target to get a new carbonation canister for the Soda Stream.

As I was walking around my foot started to hurt, and not in the usual old-lady-with-bunions-way. Something was digging at my toe. I slipped my shoe off and one toenail had cut the toe next to it! Blood was filling up my sparkly Frye ballet flat like Malarchuk on the ice. Look:

talon

But next time someone tries to tell you that being a housewife is easy you show them this picture and say “WELCOME TO THE OCTAGON, BITCHES!!!!” You don’t need no hater with a job to tell you your life is easy.

Yesterday I did my new workout called LIIC: low intensity interval cleaning (TM). You do a chore, like dust, then sit down and check social media for like 10 minutes. If you have six hours you can get two rooms vacuumed and dusted.

Major brought me into the public and we saw the movie “Inherent Vice” and it was delightful. All I will say about the movie is James Brolin stole the show, as they say. HOWEVER, I would like to say more about how to be a rude fucking theater patron.

  1. Arrive 10 minutes late.
  2. Ask people to move “so you can sit together” despite two consecutive empty seats in the row in front of you.
  3. Talk frequently.
  4. Rattle your cup and chomp on ice LIKE A FUCKING COW.
  5. Fall asleep and start snoring.
  6. Get up during a sex scene and leave like a prudish baby GOODBYE DON’T FALL DOWN THE STAIRS

Today I did more spring cleaning things. This is how I dress now to clean and housewife:

pearls

I’m confident that normal people do them regularly but here’s the thing: I’m not terribly normal.  I have been in denial about my new awful role in life but on Friday I just faceplanted into it and I have to say, my house quite nearly sparkles. I also have a bag of clothes and my stupid Magic Bullet that was taking up a SHITLOAD of space in the cupboard for donation to Goodwill. Goodbye, useless appliance and goodbye clothes that are dumb and stupid and no one likes you anyway, Bernice! Get out ma life!

Ok now I have to do stuff before 9pm because ZOMBIES OH MY GOD WHAT ARE RICK AND THE GROUP GOING TO DO WHAT KIND OF SHENANIGANGS ARE COMING??!!

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old crap, get out

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