goodbye, eggs

Last night I sat here and typed out my review of my favorite daytime TV shows and biffed up the photos so they kept inserting in the wrong spot. So now you get to hear about why I have to break up with eggs until I figure it out. You’re welcome. Plus Sunday morning means eggs. CHICKEN EGGS, morons.

Since high school, I have been getting “sinus” headaches. Awful, painful, throbbing, misery that has ruined plenty of mornings, nights, and afternoons. I always thought my sinus areas were just messed up and it was something I needed to deal with. About two years ago, I started training for a fitness competition and was having some trouble with my left arm. I would lose grip and my whole arm would go numb occasionally. I went to a chiropractor and it turns out it was my neck that wasn’t properly aligned and that took care of a LOT of headaches, but not all. La la la, we moved to the South this summer and I found a new chiropractor and one day I mentioned that I got a migraine only because I was concerned my neck was pinching. I was wrong.

Ol’ Doc McCrackin’ said he was going to do a muscle test and called in one of the lovely gals that works for him. I sat on the adjustment table and he gave me a handful of magic crystals to hold in my left hand and Assistant held my right wrist. I say magic crystals because he opened a drawer and had a little box of dozens of little tubes and they all looked exactly the same. Then he proceeded to push and pull Assistant’s arm, which in turn pushed and pulled mine. After that I laid down and he pushed on my stomach a little and said, “You have a leaky gut. Stop eating eggs.” And I was like “Ha yeah, ok.”

I did nothing he said to do for a few weeks. He tried to get me to go on an elimination diet where you can basically only eat lean protein and certain vegetables. No soy, gluten, dairy, eggs, fun. I’m not sure what cracked but I thought “self, you can probably at least give the eggs a try and not eat them and see if Doc McCrackin’ is right.” NO HEADACHES. Went away completely. Son of a bitch. Now I am sorta kinda following the elimination diet (I totally eat some gluten and dairy/cheese still) but eggs are a huge no-no. I got my flu shot on Thursday and it is derived from egg protein. I’ve had a dull headache for three days. Also my face stopped breaking out in those awful breakouts so less chemicals on my face, less makeup, less orange smears on my jaw line.

This magic crystal method is called “Applied Kinesiology” and if you search Google, you will first get an article from a site called “Quack Watch”, which made me laugh. I don’t really care about the gluten or dairy but if this happened to be a good coincidence and McCrackin’ guessed right and eggs have been my enemy this whole time, then whatever.

Did you know that eggs are in EVERYTHING? I found some bread that was rice-based and it fucking tastes like pure evil. The texture is bad, the taste is nothing, and it costs like $5 a loaf. I also made some vegan pumpkin bread and it was ok, but nothing like regular bread. (Special shout out to my Ninja food processor. That thing is amazing.)

This makes me sad because I love eggs and they were my go-to food because I am very lazy. The Major makes really good egg sandwiches in the skillet and now they are a thing of the past, unless I want to vomit them up later from a headache. So goodbye, eggs. It’s been real.

Today we have a nice little day planned. We have to go to Barnes & Noble so The Major can get some fucking book on war or something; Michaels for craft paint for a super secret project; Target for toilet paper. Don’t know if we’ll have time to punch ourselves in the face.

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goodbye, eggs

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