So, here’s the thing: I’m a bit of a shitshow lately. I don’t have a good, standard reason for it. Maybe this is part of it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSnDJ7exSO0
But for real. Lose my mind every day? Check. Kinda broke? Check. Wrinkles and acne? Double check. My diet has consisted of Junior Mints and whiskey today, among other things. I have been having this awesome thing where I’m so tired I can’t get out of bed and I’m running super late for work. I worked from home on Friday and had to take a sick day today. It’s ridiculous. I’m hoping the doctor comes back and says something simple like “Take some Vitamin D, shit head” because we live in a shadow for most of the year up here. And now I have to start this certificate class to appease my boss. I got an email from one of the professors that said we couldn’t miss more than two classes. Awesome, I’m definitely missing two classes for business travel. I really don’t want to pay the company back for a program I don’t even care about.
So I’m sitting here in fake Uggs and a Slanket trying to figure out how to relay this information between sips of Canadian Club. (I forgot how much fucking tax they put on booze in WA now and if I had remembered that I would have realized I would have to use my card and not the 20 in my wallet and I would have picked something better. Also, I dropped some grease from a pork loin on my new fake Uggs yesterday and now there is a big spot on the top of the right boot. How did that happen? I was being sad single girl and eating the pork loin right off the cutting board and was trying to put some of the seasoning from the pan into my mouth and dropped it directly on my boot. Precious.) I’m toggling between Facebook, texting one of my brothers and watching Wheel of Fortune. This is how my brain functions lately–everything at once or nothing. I’m not sure anything that amusing has happened lately. Maybe it has but I’ve forgotten.
My struggle/journey through fitness has taken another turn lately. I dropped out of trying to do an NPC show in March and thought I would just take a little break and get leaner. Wrong. I had the pleasure of experiencing the “rebound” where you finally go back to eating and gain a bunch of weight really fast. I say “a lot” because in real life it was only 10 pounds but it came back in about two weeks. I staved it off after that. I then hired an online coach with a super good reputation thinking I would just take it super slow and not try to do it with a team or anyone I had to face once a week. Wrong. I followed his training and nutrition for about a couple months and just lost my training boner. I burned myself out. After realizing I wasn’t bothering to be “compliant” and spending all that money I released my contract with him. And you know what? It didn’t bum me out. Taking responsibility for your own actions and consequences is about one thing I do enjoy about being 30-something. I don’t have to do a damn thing I don’t want to (within reason) and I don’t feel sorry about it either.
Speaking of 30-something, not handling going to be 32 very well. I have no idea what the difference is because 30 came and I was like “on yeah PAAAAAAAR-TAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!” and never lost a stride. Now I’m obsessively staring at the wiry gray hair that is jabbing out of the part in the middle of my head and MOCKING me, surveying my scalp for his friends and trying to get my skin back under control. My little biological clock is going “tick tock I found you mother fucker!!” and that’s not really cool. My doctor said the words “prenatal vitamins” to me the other day and I just stared at her and said “Hmm, well I guess we would get here eventually” and she laughed, AT me. The good news is I can probably handle it a lot better than when I was 22, so I’ve got that going…guh. And by “handle it” I clearly mean I have my own room in this converted garage that I live in and access to a gas station right down the alley for soda for the baby’s bottle. Did Captain and I give his 3 year-old nephew a tiny amount of Coke Zero in a Tim Horton’s travel coffee mug because we didn’t have sippy cups? Maybe…
So I see the contestant stories on Jeopardy! are still terrible. I, however, just put a hurting on the first round. Shiner will back me up.
On to important things: who is sad that this is the final season of How I Met Your Mother? Buzzfeed had an article about the actor that plays the mother. If you want to lose more time than a browse through Pinterest, log on to Buzzfeed. It has all the gifs of dogs you didn’t know you couldn’t live without.