FUCK! That felt so good to get out. First, if you’re here for a non-cussing fitness post, please stop reading. I am no longer doing that. What I am doing in the future (90-120 days, I’m guessing) is competing in a fitness competition. I haven’t picked a show yet but I will keep you updated when I do. You can come and cheer and make signs and see how fake tan and ripped I am. Calm down though. I’m not a bodybuilder so I won’t be one of those “over-muscled broads” as my sister so kindly put it. On to nonsense.
On Sundays I go over to Captain’s to do laundry and I meet my friend and her baby, Sanna and Sorah (I’m switching to S instead of M for friend names for this team) for brunch/coffee. When I got to Starbucks (that’s a real name) I realized I didn’t have my wallet because, like a dumbass, I left it in my gym bag. I walked outside and saw Sanna had texted me that she was in the consignment shop next door. We walked around there for a bit then had coffee. She spotted me. It was nice of her but we’ve known each other forever so she’s used to it. Little baby Sorah had on this awesome pink onesie with a collar like a polo shirt but she didn’t pop it, luckily. She likes to stick her tongue out now and eat her book. It was a good time.
I got to Captain’s with my giant load of laundry and heard a chirping noise–fucking smoke detector. Who knows how long it had been doing that and the windows were cracked so I’m certain the neighbors could hear it. I got the laundry started and realized I couldn’t reach the ceiling so I had to drag the coffee table over to stand on and reach. As I stand up to inspect it, the OTHER detector chirps. I had the wrong detector. Mind you, the genius builders put the detectors THREE FEET from each other–one in the bedroom and one just outside in the hallway. You know where I bet one would be good? I don’t know, maybe near the kitchen where shit can catch on FIRE when you suck at cooking. So I had to get down, slide the table over and get back up. I’ve watched Captain take them down tons of times when he didn’t turn the stove fan on and he burns something and they start wailing but I had a hard time getting it loose. I took the battery out and chirp! right in my face. Remember that episode of Friends where Phoebe had the smoke detector from hell and she threw it down the garbage shoot? Well this bitch was hardwired to the ceiling. Since I had forgotten my wallet, I realized I had no way of getting a new battery and there weren’t any extra in the apartment. There also wasn’t enough change in the truck to get one from the mini mart down the street so I had to drive back to my place. This isn’t a big deal but no one in Puget Sound knows how to MERGE so it took about 20 minutes longer than necessary.
After I got my wallet I stopped at Target and managed to get batteries and only TWO other things (a record) and went back. Smugly, I hopped up on the table and said “Alright, mother fucker, I hear you!” and changed the battery. CHIRP! Right in my face. AGAIN. I was baffled. Seriously, if you change the battery and it’s STILL mouthing off in your face, what do you do?! I pulled the table back out to look at the other detector and it looked like the little latch wasn’t compressing far enough. Pulled the table back to Chirpy McChirpstein and could not for the life of me press that stupid little red lever down at all. At this point I sat down on the edge of the table and started crying. I’m not awesome when I’m stressed and tired and hungry. So I gave up for a bit and had one of my meals (I had to pack a lunch for the day like I do at work. God bless training.) Then I realized I knew who to ask–Sergeant Safety himself. Dad.
It turns out that those hardwired detectors have a constant power source and those batteries are backup. BACKUP! Not even that MAIN source of function! Fuckers. I tried to also Google it but the interweb was no help. I was going to give up and call the building management but since I HATE them I was contemplating calling Sanna. Then…silence. Either I had gone deaf or it stopped. I held my breath. I don’t know what happened or why it stopped, but while I was there the rest of the afternoon and early evening, it shut the fuck up. It could be wailing right now but that’s the fire department’s fun until next weekend. And scene!