hear ye, butt flushers!

Hear, ye! Hear, ye! I have a story to tell about colon hydrotherapy or butt flushing. One fine day a woman received a Groupon email for a colon hydrotherapy cleansing session so the natural thing to do was to forward it to a friend who takes them seriously and attach the comment “Butt flush!” and laugh for ten minutes. A few months ago, the same friend, Mita, sent me an email and was very excited that she was able to promote her employer’s wellness clinic on Groupon. Being supportive, I made a Groupon account so I could sign in and ask if I could take my free lunch that was included at a different date than my colon cleanse because I felt like it defeated the purpose of the colon cleanse. Commence laughing at my desk for twenty minutes. First, it took about five minutes to set up the account in order to comment on a deal. Second, I knew someone would have to answer the question and gleefully it was Mita. Because they are so rad at customer service there, YES I was welcome to come back at a later date and enjoy my lunch. I also just spent about ten minutes searching Groupon’s site so I could get a screen grab and proof of this but that seems to be a gap in the process-searching for expired deals. My actual challenge for the night was to write a “creative and not disgusting or degrading” short story and I would get a gold star. Quite obviously I said well FUCK THAT. I spent more time trying to prove what an asshole I was a few months ago that I don’t really have time or energy to make up a good story. Maybe tomorrow.

I was jazzed to go to a class at the gym tonight that combines Pilates and yoga and class started at 6:45. We live about 1.2 miles from the gym so I knew if I left home by 6:30 it was golden. That’s probably cutting it close on the East Coast but psychos out here get to work much earlier so it would have been fine. Well, as usual, work was a shit show. Our business director came over to our area first thing this morning to request ANOTHER fucking video be commissioned and I was laughing so hard (because our team is short one person for medical leave and we are maxed out already AND our SVP just commissioned a different set of videos) that my boss hissed at me to shut up. For real, hissed. It was the second best part of my day. The best part was when I was standing up and having a little stretch looking out our window and I noticed a coworker named Joe was walking across the parking lot and I said “Hey, there goes Joe” and like an unknowing clown-box my coworker said “Joe who?” so….you guessed it…I turned and yelled “JOE MAMA!” Come on, though. She walked right into it.  Another reminder: I am 30 years old. So a lot of other obnoxious shit went down and before I knew it, it was nearly 5 pm. Well I better skedaddle to make my class! I then proceeded to sit in traffic for 1.7 hours. I did not make my class. Instead, I made dinner for me and Cappy (Foreman grilled stuff and a salad, let’s not board the domestic train) and went to Sephora to get weapon-grade chemicals to hide my hormone fluctuations. I wish I could stop it but it’s almost worse than when I was a teenager. At least back then the biggest thing I had to worry about was homework and Nerd Patrol (I did a stint in Civil Air Patrol and I can NOT believe I have neglected it so far! That shit was a blog gold mine of material) but now I get all this adult stress like money and bills and the dog and the boyfriend’s possible deployment and so on. No wonder my face is acting out. It’s a good thing I’m so fucking charming or else I don’t know how I would survive. Now I just spend more money on fancier shit that doesn’t work. I’m losing steam so I will depart with this: what the fuck’s up, mother fuckeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer? (I used to answer the phone like that all the time.) BYE!

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