I have decided that it is about time to come to terms with a few things. I am nearly 29.75 and it is time to give in and stop fighting a few things.
1). Lipstick, forget it. I don’t have time or adequate working brain cells to remember to reapply and blot 40,000 times a day. Burt’s Bees chapstick is where it ends for me. It’s ok, I’m really good with eyeshadow. Plus I have a weird lip line not quite at the edges and not in the middle but if you aren’t Paint 500% accurate forget it. I look like grandma put her Avon on in the car on a bumpy road.
2.) Heels. Done. All you parents out there who think their daughters are so adorable in tutus and pink slippers, get over it. You get to deal with orthopedic surgeons when she’s about 13 and x-rays to check hip alignment and then you have to rub horse linament mixed with rubbing alcohol on her knees and it smells like grandma. There is a possibility that grandma is a theme here. So in exchange for 13 years of moderate talent of putting all of my weight on 1 square cm, I get to feel every bone in my foot grind against every bone in my ankle if it’s elevated more than 1 millimeter.
3.) Disproporationate anger toward inanimate objects. I don’t have cable but I got a sweet flat screen TV recently. This means I rely on the antenna. This means that every show plays perfectly until I actually WANT to watch something, then it cuts out and I hear every other word until I am forced to rewatch the episode eight days later on Hulu. Eight days is a long time to wait and this half Irish temper has about a three second fuse. Old k8 would have thrown something, it would have broke then I’d have to replace it. Tonight I just half wimpered and started this blog instead. I need better financial discipline so I can’t go around breaking things. I punched the steering wheel of my Jetta a few times back in the day and I cut my knuckles on the VW emblem in the center. Proooooooooobably unnecessary for a grown woman. I have a 401(k) after all.
4.) I love naps. I do, I am amazing at them. I have a really hard time getting to bed before 11 pm no matter what time I have to get up. I have a new meeting at 6:30 am on Tuesdays and what am I doing up still at almost 11 pm? It’s pointless to just lay there for another hour. Might as well get some rambling in while I’m at it.
5.) I hate cooking. I feel like it’s a lot of effort for little reward and I always mess something up. I tried to make sirloin and couscous for Captain one night and then promised to NEVER do it again. I overcooked the meat and the couscous was bland. So I let him cook and pay for the groceries to make up for it. Totally worth it, for everyone involved. The only thing I can make with any sort of success is crock pot chili.
6.) I love watching sports and drinking beer. I love people that say “I’d rather play sports than watch them on TV”. Oh yeah? What fucking team are you on, Gretzky? Some of us love the commraderie in the misery of teams that never fail to do what they always do: lose at the very end. I’m sick of watching the Pats. They win too much. There’s no excitement in that. No wondering what team will show up. Plus who the fuck cuts their sleeves off a sweatshirt? It’s weird and I don’t like it. It’s like having a boyfriend that never acts shady so you don’t have to go through his pockets and drawers. Boring.
7.) Babies scare the crap out of me. I woke up from a B- nap today (neighbor dogs barking for an hour) in a sheer panic because I dreamed I was pregnant. I love kids. I think they’re hilarious and it’s so fun to watch them grow and learn and discover things. I just don’t want to be the one in charge of that growing and learning forever. I can handle a day, an occasional weekend perhaps, but not a lifetime. There’s too much for me to figure out still to try to pass my half-assed knowledge base to someone who doesn’t know any better and trusts me to know everything. Yikes.
8.) I’m bad at mailing things. If I say I’m going to send you something, probably give me a month or so. Seriously, I don’t have a good excuse. I just never remember to do it. I’m staring at some stuff I was supposed to send Maria about three weeks ago already and just plain am dumb. Maybe this will make me remember. Who knows. My bad.
9.) I’m kind of a dick. And usually, it’s on purpose. The more wound up you get over something, the more I’m going to push it. This is mostly at work because I get really bored and tired of the craziness of a big company but it can happen in general life too. Captain pissed me off today and I had to stop by his place to get my raincoat that I left in the closet so I left him a boyfriend report card on the counter with three check minuses. It failed because he didn’t understand the duality of the check and the minus, but it made me laugh for a bit. I gave a fake ranking based on things he didn’t know he was in trouble for in a penalty system that has no accountability.
And that my friends is how I like to roll and I’m really tired a lot so I’m not going to bother to try to change it. Maybe it will wax and wane a bit, but it won’t go away. I encourage you to own your shit. If you’re crazy, make yourself a tinfoil hat and get on with it but make it the best fucking tinfoil hat there ever was. It’s too exhausting to parade around as a different person. Fess up and roll with it. You’re welcome.