So I am into my fourth week of sweet, sweet retail employment. It’s been pretty entertaining and I’ve fake shot myself in the head numerous times, usually to the amusement of another nearby cashier. Last week I spent most of my time in the express lanes and some things have come to mind. I guess I will start with Friday. As it turns out, people are super grumpy on Fridays. They are trying to cash their checks and grab dinner on their way home from a week of work. Turns out no one really considers that your cashier doesn’t work a 9-5, M-F standard week so when everyone is unfriendly or miffed at you, it takes a few times to realize why. I rarely know what time it is, let alone what day. I know that I find things amusing that no one else does but when I make a joke to someone it’s usually pretty mild. When I asked the corrections officer with the wet shirt if he had gone swimming did he get pissed? No, he laughed and said he spilled coffee all over himself right before work. He was also hot. So when the lady with 800 cans of cat food and a 12 pack of Busch Light didn’t laugh when I asked if her cats were having a party, I lightened up. Fuck you if you can’t take a joke. I am also not a person to take my shitty week out on an innocent service provider. If I say hello and ask if you found everything ok, I’m not looking for an existential conversation. In fact, I would prefer a plain and simple ‘yes’. A ‘no’ means that I have to find someone to go get that for you or listen to your bullshit complaint. I don’t care that we ran out of wrapping paper the day before Christmas (you had since Halloween to buy some, seriously we will not be ashamed of ourselves as was suggested) or that your therapy session had a great break-through today. (A guy actually told me that.) What also really gets me is when I am not even acknowledged. I can’t count how many times I’ve asked my required question and not gotten an answer only to have the person make some retarded request only seconds later. Me: Did you find everything ok? Uppity Douche Bag: (silence…..) Can you put this stuff in a separate bag/I need to pay for this separate/or obnoxious chit chat with the person they are with. Occasionally, someone legitimately doesn’t hear me and will say hello when they finish unloading their cart. No drama – it’s loud sometimes. Otherwise, don’t expect me to bend over backwards for you. If you can’t even say hello I’m sure as hell not going to load up your bags for you. I will just stand there and pile bags on top of bags until you do it and it is a personal favorite of mine to load 250 cans into one bag for those folks. I also find it hard to believe that most of you are so busy and important you can’t wait for me to finish loading the second bag on the side of the carousel that you need to grab the first one therefore spinning it and dragging an unloaded bag and my wrist with you. Not a day goes by where Captain Planet or Superman or Wonder Woman doesn’t try to break my wrist by doing that. I mean, that’s who these super busy people must be right, saving the planet or mankind if they can’t wait for me to finish loading their discount meat and canned vegetables right? And seriously, you could break a wrist doing that. So don’t. Additionally to that tangent, put your damn meat in a bag before you bring it to the register. I have had so much chicken gizz and beef juice and pork runnings go by that it actually makes me sick to my stomach. While I still mock and criticize vegetarians, I now understand them a slight bit more.
I know that most can’t hear but most also can’t count. They put up signs for 20 items or less not to waste the materials. A pretty sweet consistency is for folks with over 20 items to leave all their things at the end of the counter. There is no moving belt here people. At first I used to actually lean all the way over to grab things (I am not the graceful ballerina I once was) but now I stand there and wait for them to be moved closer or I super exaggerate it. One woman had four cans and I leaned over and dragged them across in a big sweeping motion with both arms. If my back is going to be jacked at the end of the day I’m at least going to make you feel like an asshole doing it. By asking if I will yell at you if you have more than 20 items doesn’t make it ok either. That opens all kinds of flood gates for me to verbally abuse you. And trust me, you can’t win that war. I got stuck working Christmas Eve and we closed at 6. A guy who is in there every day with his wife said accusingly that we should at least be open until 8 for the procrastinators. I told him then they would wait until 7:55 instead of 5:55. He obviously needed a dictionary for Christmas to brush up on the meaning of procrastination. I needed something heavy to hit him with. It looked like a win, win. When he said he would just take his business to Lockport I informed him they would be closed too. I’m not sure why he picked a fight with me but he lost when I smiled and said, have a great night. Learning new words and definitions is always intriguing to me so when I learned that an asshole is one who does not risk their job by allowing someone to use a coupon for an item other than what they bought to save a buck when the customer is already moderately affluent, I decided maybe I should go back to school to learn English. I obviously missed that one AND enjoy being sworn at on Christmas Eve. God bless.