Here’s to you:
Stoner kids: you brighten my day, honestly. The first group of you on Friday night were sweet. You were grateful for everything. Oh thanks for the bag! Hey thanks for the change! Hey thanks! You tried to pay me with a guitar pick and five minutes after I said ‘I’m sorry, we don’t take these today,’ you giggled. You bought every gum, chip and candy bar in my lane and then went on your way. Where were you cute boys when I was in high school? The second group was even more giggly. I enjoyed the little dance your mohawked friend did in front of my register and after you left I had the intense urge for Doritos.
Drunk mom: you came in with your 12 year old son to buy rolls, donuts, socks and beer. When you didn’t have enough money on your food stamps you put away the rolls and said ‘sorry honey. You’ll have to eat your roast beef on that other bread.’ Your love for Genesee outweighs your kid’s need for delicious Kaiser rolls. I’m glad you are teaching him responsibility so early because he was the one that remembered to get the bags, find your keys and your glasses and remembered where you parked – on that cement light pole base.
Old lady duo: You always do your shopping together. It’s sweet. I bet you’ve been friends for twice as long as I’ve been alive. It’s also sweet when you come through the express lane and each make two transactions, paying by check of course, and then take the time to carefully tie the tops of the bags shut before you take them off the carousel. I’m in no hurry and neither are the 5 people in line behind you. I also thank you for the exercise of putting all your things into the cart. You come back in looking for the bag you ‘left behind.’ Sorry ma’am but I put all the bags in your cart. Confused? Hmm perhaps it jumped ship and ran away from your moth ball smelling ass.
Cranky old man who I think will be nice: Hey good morning! grunt… Hey how are you? I’m great today, thanks for asking. I see you found everything ok. Are you going to watch the Super Bowl? I know I am, don’t you just LOVE those commercials? Ok here’s your change. Hope you don’t shit your pants before you get home!
Woman who screams at her kids: Thanks for reaffirming my choice of not wanting kids. Thanks for making me wonder all day how far you got out of the store before you beat the shit out of them. In all honesty, the phony front you give me is no secret because I saw you before I came back up to the register when I was on break. Those kids can’t breathe right to please you. My one hope is that when they grow up they forget about you and you get stuck in a state nursing home that lets you shit yourself and the nurses steal your things.
Lady with 61 items in the 20 or less lane: I’m on to you as well. You roll up with an entire cart of things and just start piling them up on my little counter. I even give you a look but it’s to no avail. I am almost finished and you say, ‘oh the big lanes are over there! I was looking for them!’ Yep, all 15 other lanes that could have much more easily accommodated you just all got up and took a break. They took a belt strike. You are lazy and that is why I put your English muffins in the same bag as those leaky ground beef logs. Enjoy!
Amy Winehouse Wannabe: Your presence at 830am made me think that I was much more tired than I thought. Most people show up in pajamas this early, but not you. Decked out in a full face of heroin-chic makeup and the most eyeliner I have ever seen, your ensemble is topped off by stunning rhinestone studded stiletto sandals. Your buzz must have been so good that the 4 inches of slush in the parking lot didn’t freeze your tootsies. Or you’re such a crack whore that you didn’t notice and the emptiness of your soul was the only thing you’ve felt in years.
Fat lady: I applaud your honesty. You came into my line and admitted that you didn’t want to walk back to the grocery section to get toilet paper. A nice cashier did it for you. Then you paid a man in line $2 to go walk to a cooler to get you a soda, diet of course. You had bright red lipstick and a little was smudged on your chin but you were the nicest lady I talked to all day. I hope you find a way to take a few extra steps and get healthy some day.
And finally, to Mom: thanks for all those years of tap dancing lessons. When I am forced to work super late or super early and no one is around, I tap tap tap in front of my register. I am the most tap dancing-est cashier around! I am sure the security guy likes reviewing the tapes to see me amusing myself. It’s the only way to get back the pieces of my soul that are sucked into the time clock every time I punch in.